When the Storm is Raging

Things I've learned that has helped pull my head above water

For almost 15 years of my life I have struggled with some range of worry, fear, anxiety or depression. I can distinctly remember it beginning pretty soon after I came to saving faith in Jesus at 10 years old.

My days were soon laced with a fear of something happening to my family, being worried when I felt they were in town too long, worried if I went to bed that night someone wouldn’t wake up, and so much more. Many nights I would sleep with my bible in my arms reciting the verses my granna would share with me, and praying that God would protect my family.

This struggle so early on in my faith distorted my view of God and how I felt my relationship should look like with Him. In my little mind I began to think of God as someone that could allow bad things to happen, and when my fears took over, I lost sight of the journey of learning God for who He is.

At 15 one night after watching a show, a fear settled over me and held me in its grasp, constantly feeling like I had just awaken from a nightmare and I couldn’t shake away that feeling. Depression soon took over in the days ahead, telling me I would always be this way, it would never get better, God didn’t care, and if I tried to let go of the control I thought I had, everything would go to ruin. Overwhelmed and unsure of what I was going through, I held tighter to what I thought I could control, and I thought if I stopped worrying for a minute, it would all come true.

My faith was tested so many times, and there was many days that I didn’t know if I could keep going in what I was going through. The best way I know how to describe this to you is, I was living in an anxiety attack for 2 months. Every waking moment, fighting to not curl up in a ball, shaking with fear, drowning in hopelessness, and wanting God to take me on.

I’ve had to fight for joy for most of my life, to have it in my life, to let it be my strength, and to keep choosing it even when I didn’t “feel” it. I’ve learned a lot about myself, who God is, and that I’m not promised it will go away. I ‘ve learned that Joy is not fleeting happiness. You can be going through a lot, struggling, but be strengthened because your strength is God’s joy.

A lot of situations happened in my very early 20s that I blamed God for and deemed Him untrustworthy when things didn’t pan out the way I thought they should. I was mad at Him for how situations turned out, and I was afraid that trusting Him meant I would always experience the bad outcome. I hardened my heart and I found it very hard to stay in the word, feeling like God no longer had anything to say to me.

I have always desired to have a better relationship with the Lord, to dig into His word and learn, and to start hearing from Him again. I allowed situations in the last few years to rule my thoughts and my emotions, constantly in fight or flight mode, not knowing how I was going to make it from one moment to the other. Losing myself and my joy in my circumstances, and letting the lies that satan was feeding me be my main source of what I thought of myself.

At the beginning of the year, I knew it was time, no matter what I was going to make it a priority to get back in the word, and I knew He had been wooing me back for many years now. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to realize we need to be looking up and looking for a way out. When you can’t fall any farther, the only way is out, or wallowing in the filth of self pity and misery at rock bottom. My dad had given me a journal at Christmas, and I was going to use it to start writing everything I was learning, that God was telling me, and what I was feeling and going through. No more pushing it down, no more pretending it wasn’t there. Most importantly, no more doing it on my own. The weight of all that I was dealing with was pulling me down, and forcing my eyes on my feet as they tried to take steps forward on my own, instead of on my Savior that I could trust would never lead me astray as I follow Him.

God got my attention quick as I began to read John after a prompting in my spirit. I wanted to read to learn Jesus in the words He spoke, to learn His character, and the things He said was true. If I didn’t know the Lord in a deep way, how could I ever fully trust Him? He saved me, He loved me, these where are things I knew and had heard my whole life, but when life threw it’s storms my way, my trust and faith faltered. He showed me that to know Him, I needed to abide with Him. Through all of the things that I had gone through, I found myself so often asking Him for things, turning to my bible to find the answers I wanted, instead of just sitting at His feet to know Him, to learn Him, to let Him speak to me the things He wanted to say, instead of only what I wanted to hear.

When we look at the relationships in our life, we don’t trust them until we get to know them, we don’t know them until we learn things about them, we don’t trust their character until we witness integrity.

Jesus didn’t have to prove anything to me, but He loves me enough to be patient with me, to allow me to sit in His presence and to let Him show me who He is. I’ve learned so much in the last few months than in the entirety of my relationship with Him. I’ve begun to know Him in a deeper level, spent time in the word to just be with Him instead of always asking something of Him.

So, what’s the first step you take when your world in crumbling, when the anxiety and depression is the loudest voice you hear, when your situations make it hard to even make it to the next moment? I think you may can answer that one:) Get in the word! Get to know Jesus for who He is, who He says He is, who He shows you He is. How else are you going to fully give it all to Him? How else are you going to fully be able to trust Him? You have to have something to lean on. My friend, that is our sweet Heavenly Father that loves us so deeply. Get in the word.

Now that you are in the word, you are learning who God is, that you can trust Him, that His word is true even when your situation tells you it is not. You have to make that choice to believe, to step out in faith and place your hope in Him. When those lies begin to eat away at your mind and you start to believe it in your heart, start speaking truth to yourself. I start by taking a deep breath, removing myself from the endless spinning of thoughts in my mind and I say, “Okay, Madison, what do I know is true? Jesus loves me, He cares for me. He wouldn’t put me through something without being there with me. He is good, and in someway I will see the goodness of God even in all the bad.” I then remind myself of when He has shown me He is with me. I believe it with everything in me, and I choose to step off of the merry-go-round of lies swirling in my brain, and I walk into the peaceful embrace of my Savior.

Journal. I cannot tell you enough how important this is! When I am spending time in the word, I typically have to read over a passage a few times to fully grasp it. I then begin to write, sometimes just stating where I am at mentally that morning, as I write and slowly add the things that stood out to me in the passage, God so evidently shows me what He is telling me in His word. I watch it come alive in ways I never experienced when I read that same passage the last time. I get convicted, inspired, overwhelmed by how my Savior loves me, and so much more. Journal your thoughts, your feelings, your prayers, give it all to God, He wants to hear it, and it matters to Him. This has so deepened my relationship with God, and it helps me give it over to Him and not hold onto something that belongs in His hands anyway.

Lastly, find someone that will encourage you, pour into you, speak truth to you, and that you know has a close and personal relationship with our Savior. Don’t sit in your feelings and emotions, speaking death over your situation and yourself. Before you know it, you will be spiraling and drowning, when you could have grabbed the hand of a friend that would have pulled you out of the waters dark depths. This friend needs to be a prayer warrior, someone that you don’t have to give any details to, that will cover you with prayer, someone that will keep all your thoughts and fears to their chest and not share with others. Pray that God will show you that person in your life. You also need an older and wiser woman in your life that can speak wisdom into situations that they’ve walked through or seen before in their life. Women like this, that carry such wisdom, I’m telling you it’s better than hidden treasure. Sometimes we can be so stuck in our old and fleshly way of thinking that we need a friend to remind us of God’s truth. We were not meant to walk this journey alone.

Satan is out to get us, it should be no surprise. Especially when you are desiring to bring our Father glory, to walk in His ways, and to change the world in telling them about Jesus. Storms will come, and they will be like nothing you have ever seen before, so you need to be resting in the Savior, close to Him and abiding with Him so you can weather these storms. You must have a personal relationship that is growing so that you will not falter when the waves fall. If you are His, and you fall, He will pull you back up. He has for me, and I am forever grateful for His patient mercy and grace.

“Oh how great is Your goodness, which You have laid up for those who fear You, which You have prepared for those who trust in You in the presence in the sons of man!

You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the plots of man; You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.

Blessed be the Lord, for He has shown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city!”

Pslam 31:19-21

Rest in Him friends, He will never leave you or forsake you!

Madison